Igrot Kodesh · Letter 2828 — Shidduchim

B"H

24 Tammuz 5714,
Brooklyn.

I bless you and greet you,

The Rav, distinguished Chassid* who fears Hashem and devotes himself to communal needs, multiplying positive accomplishments and generous behavior, Rav Shalom Dov Ber Gordon, asked me, on your behalf, about your daughter, who became engaged, then changed her mind, considering that her feelings are not definitive. You ask me whether you should exert pressure on her.

In my opinion, it would be more diplomatic and easier to ask one of your daughter's friends to speak to her about it. You yourself will evoke this subject with her only from time to time, so that she does not interpret your approach as a mark of authority.

In all likelihood, your daughter's feelings changed because the two of them adopted a behavior that it is not fitting to have, before the marriage. The contrary result followed from it and, from now on, she distances herself from him. When mothers and parents consecrate themselves to the education of their children, when they are still young, in conformity with the demands of our holy Torah, they avoid much pain and trouble, for themselves and even more for their children.

Quite obviously, I do not write all that to cause you pain, but indeed to emphasize to you what it is fitting henceforth to do. Just as you envisage exerting pressure on her for this engagement, how much more must you do so that she have, after her marriage, a Jewish home, as a Jewish woman must keep it, that she apply the principles of family purity, that she have a kosher kitchen, that she observe Shabbos. It is only in this way that she will have a happy life.

May Hashem grant that you act thus, in the manner that befits, as soon as possible and on multiple occasions. Thus, you will know success and you will announce to me good news, about all that has just been said.

With my blessing,

For the Rebbe Shlita,
the secretary,